Did I Ever
by Aynslesa
Summary: The Chantry is destroyed. Kirkwall lies in flames. As the final battle looms before them, three men contemplate their hearts, and their futures. M!Hawke/Fenris, Anders


Having finished my second playthrough of DA2 and suddenly having unexpected free time, these three needed an outlet while they impatiently await their turn in Arcanum. Thanks to Teakwood, my beta - I'll make an Anders fan out of you yet!

**Note:** Okay, so when I first posted this today, I ended up getting some seriously rough news involving my family and clicked Post without actually remembering to edit it. So...now I've gone through and actually put in section breaks. That'll make it easier to read *and* understand. I hope. Sorry about that, everyone!

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><p><strong>Did I Ever...<strong>

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I think it was that first night, on those steps of Hightown, when you came into my life and changed it irrevocably. You stood there, haughty and proud as you held a man's life in your hands and ended it with a clench of your fists. You were apologetic in your deceit, but not of your intent; you had used me, you knew, and you offered no excuse.

I think I surprised you that night, when I agreed to help you instead of letting my anger boil over. I think I surprised you further when I cast that first spell; the shock in your eyes and the fury in your voice when you confronted me after were proof enough of that. I won't apologize for simply being me – this man, this magic, this is who I am. I laid myself bare before you, and you offered me your loyalty.

You know, he's right in a way – you really are a hypocrite. You rant and rage over the dangers of mages, your fury stoked each time one proves you right, and yet you refuse to be soothed when one proves you wrong. And yet it was a mage you came to that night, full of anger and hurt, searching for something that you did not know the name of. It was a mage you pushed against that wall, and it was a mage who captured your lips and drowned himself within the heat of your body. When you left that night and I could do nothing to stop you, you took a part of me with you forever.

I understand. I always understood.

Now we stand here, face to face and side by side as the city burns down around us, and I can see it in your eyes. You've come back to me, and if we survive this I never intend to let you go again. Three years imagining what it would be like to hold you in my arms; then another three clinging to a single night's memory only to awaken each morning alone. Never again. You've promised me a future, and for better or for worse, I intend to collect.

Did I ever tell you that I love you?

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><p>I should have hated you. I should have feared you. The moment I discovered what you were, I should have turned my back on you and walked away.<p>

And yet I did not. I suspect it would be pointless now for me to dwell on the reasons _why_ – if I haven't figured them out in the last seven years I likely never will. No, the reasons _why_ seem to pale drastically when compared to the simple fact that despite my better judgment I remained at your side. You gave me aid when you could have turned away; I followed you wherever you led, be it the Deep Roads, against the Qunari, or into the Vimmark Mountains.

You asked for nothing and gained everything. Perhaps that is why I came to you that night, lost and damaged, seeking shelter from the storm that raged within me. It was in your arms that I found the calm; it was the feel of your mouth on my skin that tethered me. If I had known how thoroughly you would be able to tear down my walls, perhaps I would have been prepared… no. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment, when you brought it all back to me for the briefest moment, and then it was gone.

I know that it wasn't your fault, that you did nothing more than give me what I so desperately needed yet was too afraid to embrace. My shackles were strong, my chains heavy, and I did not yet understand that it was _you_ who held my key. And so I ran, and hid, and watched you from afar.

Three long years. We didn't speak about that night – we still, really, have not spoken of it, not even after you took me into your arms once more and brought me out of the cold and into your warmth. I suppose some things do not need to be discussed, dissected until every inch of them has been broken down into infinitesimal pieces. When he finally came, it was you who stood beside me and proclaimed my freedom. You faced a part of me that I never wanted you to see, and you did not waver.

And now, faced with your greatest trial, you still stand resolute. This is the path you have chosen, and I will walk it beside you. I will defend those that you protect; I will sacrifice everything that I am for you. And wherever your future leads you after all of this, I will follow. Willingly. Freely.

Did I ever tell you that you saved me?

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><p>You don't mean to torture me; I know that. You don't mean to tempt me, tease me, taunt me; I know that, too. But as I stand here and watch him move towards you, watch the two of you embrace as if it will be your last – and Andraste knows there's a good enough chance of that – I can't help the way my heart aches.<p>

This wasn't your fault. Please, you have to know that. Everything I did, _we_ did, all falls upon my shoulders. Not yours. No one can hold you responsible for your part in this, because it was all at my coercion, influenced by my secrets. Oh, the number of times that I wanted to tell you…but I didn't. I couldn't. _He_ wouldn't let me. He knew you'd try to stop us, and I know you would have succeeded.

He's quiet now, for the first time in months. Perhaps it's the shock of seeing so many mages dead and dying in the streets of Lowtown, or the number of abominations that we were forced to cut down. This wasn't the way I wanted things to be, and I know that I'm just as responsible for it as Meredith with her tyranny, Elthinna's neutrality, Orsino's complacency.

Or perhaps it's the realization that I yet live, and it is by your hand and by your will. The Chantry was supposed to be justice for the oppressed; my death, justice for the Chantry. And you stopped that. With one command you stopped that, and now I stand here, ready to fight with you, ready to atone for everything that I have done.

Would I do it differently if I had a second chance? If I could have been strong enough to fight him, strong enough to tell you? Strong enough…for you?

I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that I could be that man, but as I watch the two of you now, I wonder if it would have made a difference. Your heart is _his_, and there is no place for me there.

But I will follow you. For however long you'll have me…I will follow you.

I love you.

And I know I'll never tell you.


End file.
